viv's mind

- about me [updated 01.04.24] (click me)
Hi there, my name's Vivien, but call me Vivy! I'm 21.. I love programming and reverse engineering. You may refer to me by name or she/her, but if modern pronouns are not your thing.. ..just use my name :3 (Cis btw.) Im addicted to hugs, I adore lewds I absolutely love my friends <3 Contact: Discord (Main): vivyacc / VivyaCC#4674 Discord (Secondary): vccs / VCCS#2354 Telegram: @VinaC2 Matrix: @vccs:lewd.social Matrix Alts: @vccs:sakura.ci, @vivya:matrix.org (I barely use this one) Lore/Details: Im an introvert and socially awkward, INFP(-T) ..and yet I appreciate and enjoy contact to people Venting thoughts or frustration arent my strength, rather my weakness.. ..but I'll write stuff here incase I feel like it My social battery is small and I stop responding once it runs out Please understand.. I dont mean it rude when I dont reply, This includes replies to questions/dms/topics that I dont know how to answer or are stressful to me Other times, I may also change the topic or post random things I show interest in.. ..but that wont mean I will not come back to previous topic and answer/continue it. Also also, I'm sorry incase I am not likable/bearable to you, I dont think I'm a good person, but I'll try my best. Dark-ish purple, red and green are colors I find pretty, but I dont have any particular fav color Dance/edm/techno/nightcore/trance are my most enjoyed music genres, but I usually.. ..listen to anything youtube/spotify autoplay provide(s) to me I used to enjoy anime, I still do like it, but I've lost the interest in watching them Games I barely play anymore, similary to anime I've lost interest.. ..which is mainly because I suffer from depression. Despite my rather positive childhood, the positivity abruptly ended while I was 13.. ..and the *first* terrible thing happened to me The following years, up until 2020/21 were full of Anxiety/Panic-Attacks/ptsd and health issues *including* one induced by an accident and those through self-harm These things are over now, but I'm still living with- and processing the aftermath of the past years. I will not publicly disclose details about past events, but friends are allowed to ask me/talk about it. Either way.. I'm glad things have been improving! :) When it comes to love, romance, relationships and friendships.. I.. dont often, or rather rarely fit anywhere I lost, or never had(?) a sense/feel of romance and I dont see much value in the classic/stereotypical relationship style Currently, I can be described as 'Bi-Poly', but my interest in people is purely emotional, platonic and sexual, but not romantic As I dont want to commit or get to deep into relationships, I keep everything on the friendship stage.. ..but those friendships are dear to me and have no ceiling/limits including intimacy Close friends are who have been keeping me alive and well the past years and who' I've spent all my time with, even if I was passive most of the time. But despite all that, I'm still often quiet and lack self-initiative to engage more with my friends.. ..which is why I often feel detached or lost But don't be thinking I want to be quiet, instead, I actually love to share my experiences, moods, thoughts, random stuffs.. I need social interaction.. My hobbies are as hinted above: Reverse Engineering and Programming, in particular.. ..with IDA Pro(v8.4 atm), C++17(Or higher) and C# During my rather difficult times I spent a-lot (!) of time on these hobbies as distraction. In fact these were my main focus while I lived isolated from others. In general, no matter the topic or situation, I dislike hate and conflicts.. I wish people could be friendlier to each other This includes myself.. I'm sometimes bitter or defensive which has me behaving rude at times Nobody deserves to be harmed physically or mentally/emotionally, and those that *do bad* deserve a punishment at worst, not harm This applies for humans as much as animals Nobody and nothing deserve(s) to be harmed Last profile update 01.04.2024

- 20.10.2024
🌌

🎶 ~ ~ In every heart there is a sound ~ In every heart it can be found ~ Life is just a melody ~ unendliche Sinfonie ~ ~ mmm~ 🎶 ~
- 04.08.2024
In the past week, I experienced strong betrayal.. on the personal level. Sigh. I still dont know how to deal with it. I'm completely drained
- 23.05.2024
*Happi happi happi~* Being squishy, warm, comfy, molten by affection uwuwu~
- 01.04.2024
First time I'm actively participating in April Fools! x3 Been posting these around discord: [https//aka.ms/wipWindowsOSS](<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ>) [https//blogs.windows.com/windows-insider/2024/04/01/announcing-windows-12-insider-preview-build-26100-canary-and-dev-channels/](https://lewd.sh/wip26100/windows-insider/2024/04/01/announcing-windows-12-insider-preview-build-26100-canary-and-dev-channels/) Many did not know it was possible to hypertext like that, nor that You can simply create embeds using opengraph!. hihi~
- 13.03.2024
Meh.
- 04.03.2024
Not sure if im feeling mad, sad, or disappointed right now.. either way it just doesnt feel comfortable. I hate that feeling, it hurts. Day was horrible, lots of bad things were revealed and another stressful thing happened. Im overwhelmed.
- 23.02.2024
~~ 12:15:57 CET ~~ Meow
- 20.02.2024
~~ 14:12:52 CET ~~ Vibe:
- 01.08.2023
Timores me ad obscurum et periculosum defectum ducun. Timeo. Timeo. Timeo. Timeo. Timeo. Timeo. Timeo.
- 01.08.2023
Quomodo sentire nescio, quomodo socializare nescio. Luctor ut supervivo et agito vexillum album meum, me capitulantem et inabilitates meas accipientem ostendens. Albert Einstein: "Definitio insanitatis est idem iterum atque iterum facere, diversos effectus expectans." .. Nunc intellego, non est modus ut diversum exitum experiar. Sola via mea fracasa fuerunt. Bona exitus numquam mihi possibilia erunt. Et hodie adhuc alios interrogo, cur rationem habere expectans. Cumque me interrogo, multas rationes invenio ut meipsum deseram. Cur ergo speravi aut cogitavi alios id aliter videre? Nimis sum defectuosus ut amicos habeam. Amor omnia quae ego opus... Amore è tutto ciò di cui avevo bisogno... El amor es todo lo que necesitaba... Liebe ist alles, was ich brauchte... Amor é tudo de que eu precisava... L'amour est tout ce dont j'avais besoin... Dragostea este tot ceea ce aveam nevoie... Lyubov' yest' vsyo, chto mnye nuzhno... Η αγάπη είναι ό,τι χρειαζόμουν... Liefde is alles wat ik nodig had... Miłość jest wszystkim, czego potrzebowałem... Kärlek är allt jag behövde... Kjærlighet er alt jeg trengte... Rakkaus on kaikki mitä tarvitsin... 愛が私が必要としていた全てです... الحب كل ما كنت بحاجة إليه... 사랑이 내가 필요로했던 모든 것이었습니다... 爱是我所需要的一切...
- 28.04.2023
Scheiß mal auf Besitz und auf Status Alles Illusion und weiter nichts Scheiß mal auf die Missgunst, den Hass und Scheiß auf das, was keinen weiterbringt, denn Love is all we need, love is all we need! Love is all we need, love is all we need! Love is all we need, love is all we need! Love is all we need, love is all we need! Ich liebe meine Crew und ich liebe, was ich tu' Und mich lieb' ich noch dazu, also mir ist es genug Maybe kommt es plakativ, aber trotzdem ist es real Homie, love is all we need – ich sag's nochmal: „Love is all we need, love is all we need!“ Wenn ich will, sag' ich's noch zweimal Oder dreimal oder so oft, bis sie es gepeilt hab'n Denn verinnerlicht hat das scheinbar noch keiner Nein, nein, denn sie alle sind blind Alle hier haben nur Patte im Sinn So viele sagen, das seien nur Phrasen Doch wenn man mal nachdenkt, dann kann es nur stimm'n I just tatted that line on my skin I even tatted that line on my skin All you really really need is love Und alles andre macht einfach kein'n Sinn, yeah Erster Schritt, um negative Vibes zu vermeiden Ist, keine negativen Vibes zu verbreiten Zum Upsteppen braucht man keine Konkurrenz Sag mir nicht, dass du Teamwork noch nicht kennst Spread what you wanna get, spread what you wanna get All we need is love and we're spreading a lotta that Yeah, we're spreading a lotta that Und suchen nach dem Place, an dem jeder willkommen ist Scheiß mal auf Besitz und auf Status Alles Illusion und weiter nichts Scheiß mal auf die Missgunst, den Hass und Scheiß auf das, was keinen weiterbringt, denn Love is all we need, love is all we need! Love is all we need, love is all we need! Love is all we need, love is all we need! Love is all we need, love is all we need! Love is all we need, all we need, all we need, all we need, all we need Why sind alle noch so voller Greed, voller Greed, voller Greed, voller Greed, voller Greed, Greed, Greed, Greed, Greed? Wenn du's hast, dann share's mit dem Peeps Push das Ego weg und in deinem Head herrscht wieder Peace Unsere Trustissues slowen uns doch nur down wie Promethazin Wie Promethazin, yeah "All you need is love, all you need is love, all you need is love", ich schrei's raus in die Welt, so wie John Lennon Kein Bedarf für Hass, kein Bedarf für Hass, sag mir, wie oft sollen wir uns noch batteln? Glaub mir, so komm' wir nicht weit, wann fangen wir endlich an, zu erkennen Dass egal, wie sehr wir es auch abstreiten, alle am Ende des Tages eine Fam sind? Yeah, wir sind alle eine Fam Wir sind alle, alle Teil der Welt, wir wollen alle ein und dasselbe Yeah, jeder will nur ein good Life voller good Vibes Worken wir zusammen, gibt's für alle immer nur noch good Times, good Times, yeah! Scheiß mal auf Besitz und auf Status Alles Illusion und weiter nichts Scheiß mal auf die Missgunst, den Hass und Scheiß auf das, was keinen weiterbringt, denn Love is all we need, love is all we need! Love is all we need, love is all we need! Love is all we need, love is all we need! Love is all we need, love is all we need!
- 10.10.2022 ~ 19.12.2022
To all my close friends: I love you I cant put into words how important you are to me I really love each of you individually All of you have their own spot in my heart and noone is ever gonna take it to replace any of you I know i often dont chat and sometimes I dont respond or dont send a message for months But feel free to bump me to remind me or just to tell you are there :3 I appreciate you but.. I wish I'd be enough for any of you, I wish id be worth having anyone But I'm just not. Another year, another xmas, another year of loneliness.. disconnected from my friends I wasnt enough, again.
- 03.10.2022
Something is wrong but I don't know what I hope everything is alright You are precious and i don't want to lose you Yeah I mean you Whether you are a friend, more, or someone i care about but didnt manage to reach yet I hope you are alright Too scared to dm, scared I'd annoy
- 28.09.2022
Emily melted my heart :3 Im so happy Im so glad she's too uwuwuwuwu ~~ 20:59 CEST ~~ Comfi comf uwu
- 27.09.2022 v2 ~ 19.12.2022
Im not enough Im not enough Just not enough ..and never will be
- 27.09.2022
Murder lives forever and so does war It's survival of the fittest, rich against the poor At the end of the day it's a human trait Hidden deep down inside of our DNA One man can build a bomb, another run a race To save somebody's life and have it blow up in his face I'm not the only one who finds it hard to understand I'm not afraid of God, I am afraid of man Is it running in our blood? Is it running in our veins? Is it running in our genes? Is it in our DNA? Humans aren't gonna behave as we think we always should Yeah, we can be bad as we can be good Underneath it all we're just savages Hidden behind shirts, ties and marriages How could we expect anything at all? We're just animals still learning how to crawl We live, we die, we steal, we kill, we lie Just like animals but with far less grace We laugh, we cry like babies in the night Forever running wild in the human race Another day, another tale of rape Another ticking bomb to bury deep and detonate I'm not the only one who finds it hard to understand I'm not afraid of God, I am afraid of man You can see it on the news, you can watch it on TV You can read it on your phone, you can say it's troubling Humans aren't gonna behave as we think we always should Yeah, we can be bad as we can be good Underneath it all we're just savages Hidden behind shirts, ties and marriages How could we expect anything at all? We're just animals still learning how to crawl Underneath it all we're just savages Hidden behind shirts, ties and marriages Truth is in us all, cradle to the grave We're just animals still learning to behave All the hate coming out from a generation Who got everything and nothing guided by temptation Were we born to abuse, shoot a gun and run Or has something deep inside of us come undone? Is it a human trait or is it learned behaviour Are you killing for yourself or killing for your saviour? Underneath it all, we're just savages Hidden behind shirts, ties and marriages How could we expect anything at all? We're just animals still learning how to crawl Underneath it all we're just savages Hidden behind shirts, ties and marriages Truth is in us all, cradle to the grave We're just animals still learning to behave -- There's a man in a cave Pale as moon and enslaved To guard over his wealth He's deranged, ill of health Hunched under the hangings Of pictures and paintings grotesque Gripped blind Only sees what is palpable Wry is the feast that's untouchable Blinded by hunger she pressed Girlish lips to a grape Is the beast really the man Without a choice in his humanity? No sight of his insanity? Tread the rope to grow divine I'll never dare step out of line There's a man in a house Between drones and his spouse Snatching up fairytales And delaying its trails Stiff under the weight of his duties And pressed for more time Firsthand He controls all that he can command Cogging life so it runs as he planned Terrified by the ticking away of his heart Is the beast really the man Without a choice in his humanity? No sight of his insanity? Tread the rope to grow divine I'll never dare step out of line To obey for the sake of obeying... Well that can only be done by people like you To obey, just like that No remorse, capi-tan Is the beast really the man Without a choice in his humanity? No sight of his insanity? Tread the rope to grow divine I'll never dare step out of line
- 24.08.2022
~~ 20:55 CEST ~~ Mood: ~~ 22:28 CEST ~~
- 09.08.2022
~~ 08:49 CEST ~~ There is a tiny spark of hope I wish it goes well Social uncertainties are so incredibly uncanny and scary I wish I had stronger personality Else ill stay hopelessly helplessly lost But I have no option than to continue trying even if it means continuing to fail
- 08.08.2022
~~ 15:32 CEST ~~ Burnt out and feeling moody and lost Not sure what todo Lacking motivation to do any of the things i wanna do
- 28.07.2022
~~ 13:08 CEST ~~ Continuing to reverse engineer~ Mood kinda bad though
- 27.07.2022
~~ 01:51 CEST ~~ ZwZ time to sleep! I spent so much time reverse engineering again.. its just too much fun! :D ~~ xxxxxxxxxx ~~ Was a silent busy reverse engineering say
- 26.07.2022
~~ 00:04 CEST ~~ Feeling hollow + Had to fix all post-times cause i forgot CEST is UTC+2 Smart viv. ~~ 00:52 CEST ~~ Having major fears about my future ~~ 10:12 CEST ~~ zwzz just woke up @w@ ~~ 14:27 CEST ~~ feeling inspired, but bored perhaps i may look into graphics once again.. i have some ideas! ~~ 18:05 CEST ~~ quiet day ~~ 18:10 CEST ~~ Mood update: Can you hear the silence? Can you see the dark? Can you fix the broken?? C---an you feel my heart?! The damn comment section, everyone's a chad! erouighaeuoidrhgfoiuaehdrogfvheoidrgfthjoiedrgaesrg ~~ 23:59 CEST + 01:49 ~~ Today's tl;dr: Quiet and chilly day, barely any social contact
- 25.07.2022
~~ 08:15 UTC ~~ Mood: ~~ 08:20 UTC ~~ Its already 25C.. and today is expected to reach 36C. Im not good with heat and it turns walks outside into unpleasant experiences :/ I've been wondering.. being in space must be kinda relaxing.. being able to just float around and look at all the stars and the milkyway ~~ 09:10 UTC ~~ The value of friends is something undescribable, and even if some people dont see online friends as true friends, I do But in the end I struggle to believe im worthy of having my friends.. Especially after what I've read yesterday I'm uncertain if I'm enough of a person to be seen as true friend. Looking back a few years I dont think I've ever been a sufficient friend to anyone no matter how hard I tried It often seemed enough but whenever time passes people stop talking to me and I have to post random things to stay interesting (doesnt mean it made me) Well whatever it doesnt really matter, I can't control others nor do I want to force anyone to like me It just hurts so much Either way I have to continue, maybe one day I'll find my lost piece again.. (context: i kinda lost myself in a trauma and havent been able to find whatever lost ever since) But hey! Im part of the *being called attention-whore and having an unbearable personality* gang!! ~~ 10:10 UTC ~~ im feeling uncomfortable ~~ 10:43 UTC ~~ 31C.. qwq ~~ 11:10 UTC ~~ anxiety of talking to friends/people scared ~~ 11:35 UTC ~~ why am i so scared of people xwx ~~ 12:20 UTC ~~ bored, updated site ~~ 14:07 UTC ~~ 35C.. xwx ~~ 14:20 UTC ~~ Mood update: Flying far away~ ~~ 16:40 UTC ~~ hmh... ~~ 21:01 UTC ~~ zooombieee zooombiee ie ie In your head, in your head, they are crying ~~ 21:07 UTC ~~ Morale today: low ~~ 21:11 UTC ~~ Feeling it
- 24.07.2022
Hello.. world.